This is not the first time I have said this. But I am sorry. Sorry for how I treated the people when I was in the Message. I was on my high horse looking down to everyone who didn’t accept the Message as truth. I condemned everyone who didn’t live the Message life by the standards that were put on me and I tried to live by. I must have hurt a lot of people because of it. I know I hurt my youngest sisters. And especially to them, I want to say from the bottom of my heart: I am sorry.
Being the oldest child of 5 siblings has never been easy. I am 10 years older than my youngest sister. I had to be a good example for all of them and got responsibilities from a very young age. Every time I had a fight with one them, I got told that I was older and should know better no matter who started it.
So later on when I became a teen I did feel responsible for their behavior. My mum would put pressure on me and tell me to talk to them when they didn’t listen to her. She complained about the way they were dressed, sneaking Make-up in the house, color their hair and other things that were from the world and would drag them to hell. And I would try to talk to them. To tell and show them it was wrong what they did. It was always with the best intentions but never the less I know now, it hurt you too.
Why did we do these things that would hurt ourselves and others?
But why? Why did we do these things that would hurt ourselves and others? To understand that you need to know where the drive came from. In one of my articles “Freedom of religion and its dilemma,” I tell about the fear I lived in. From a very young age, I had nightmares and fear for not being a good enough Christian. Fear for that the rapture would come and I would be left behind. It gave worries for my other siblings. I didn’t want them to stay behind and face the terror.
When I was 12 years old my mum got an experience what they called to be filled with the Holy Spirit. My parents got into a big fight with the pastor because of it since the pastor and rest of the church didn’t believe in the doctrine about the fulfillment of the Holy Spirit in that way. We left that church for another one that did believe in this doctrine.
Believing the Message was not enough
Believing the Message was not enough. They taught us we had to be filled with the Holy Spirit to be a part of the Bride (special group will go into the rapture). And that it was a special experience one needed that would change who you were, it would kill the worldly longings in you, and would be your ticket into the rapture. It made my fear and struggles even worse. For the next years, the desperate fight started to get that experience.
I would pray, read 5 sermons from the prophet a day, cry and begged God to fill me with the Holy Spirit. In the church, I would go in the prayer line and let them pray for me that God would fill me with His Spirit. Day after day, week after week, month after month. It turned me into this depressed, fanatic and religious person. The pressure, the fear it almost got to me. I thought many times about throwing myself in front of the train because I would never be good enough and I would rather take my own life than going through the tribulation. It also made me judging everyone that didn’t believe the same or didn’t live the Message life completely by the rules set by our pastor and the rules my parents expected me to follow. Because if you didn’t live the right way you would be lost.
Some might still hold all these things, I did in my desperation and fear, against me. But time changed and I changed too. The older I got, the more questions I started to ask. The more I started to see how the people were behaving towards each other and others outside of the Message, the more I fought against it. I learned my lesson the hard way but it didn’t turn me into this humble, silent person but more into a warrior fighting the system. Step by step I learned to respect and accept that not everyone agrees with each other. I learned to love my neighbor no matter what religion, lifestyle or culture. I am ashamed of the person I was back then but am proud of the person I am today.
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